Anxiety about accepting others turns into a psychological state called “ludoxaphobia”
Our desire to feel accepted pushes us to consider the opinions of others, even if we do not welcome them in our real life, yet they are guests of our mind before we make any decision, or as the Roman philosopher Marcus Aurelius wrote , two thousand years. rather, “We love ourselves more than others, but we care more about their opinions than ours,” whether they be friends, enemies or strangers.
Why worry about other people’s thoughts?
The continuation of human civilization since ancient times has depended on belonging to cohesive clans or tribes. Before the modern form of society in which we live, the rejection of the individual by his tribe meant certain death by starvation, cold or predators, which explains the instinctive desire to gain the approval of others and the feeling of anxiety when he passes by us No one greets.
Although today we do not need others to provide for our lives, man is still a social being with instinct, according to analysis by The Atlantic, when you decide to speak in groups, a network in your brain known as the “System Behavior Control System (BIS) allows you to assess the situation, determining how to act, warning you of the consequences of inappropriate behavior, and when awareness of the situation is complete, the “behavioral inhibition system” stops and ” behavior activation “. activates the system “(BAS) that focuses on decision making.
But research since 2013 has shown that worrying about the opinions of others weakens our ability to make decisions and the mind does not move to the second stage, and that is why some people continue to think about what should be said in a situation, but they did. does not dare, and the anxiety of accepting others turns into a psychological state called “Ludoxaphobia.” With it, the individual’s ability to perform normal tasks, such as making decisions, and a deep sense of need and insecurity falls, which leads to the alienation of others, and may eventually lead to loss of self-esteem and social alienation.
Why do some people worry more?
David Sack, professor of psychiatry and director of a network of psychological and behavioral therapy centers in America, explained in his article on the website “Psychology Today” our desire to be accepted by others with childhood memories, when we encounter something or someone that conditioned our communication and love with what we do, so it worsens for some who have been subjected to emotional, physical, or verbal comparison and abuse at school, family, or in a competitive environment and may have been subjected to intimidation. , threats and impossible challenges, until good treatment becomes something they have to fight to win, and they lack a sense of emotional security and value, which pushes them to rely on the opinions of others to felt important and belonging.
These memories develop a sense of shame, of our constant sense of failure and inferiority, and in the book “Gifts of Imperfection,” Brian Brown wrote about shame and shame and the accompanying questions at every turn. Instead of asking yourself, “How can I improve myself?” You ask, “How can I improve myself in the eyes of others?” Which is not bad in itself, but excessive attention to what others want from us keeps us away from what we want and need.
How to stop worrying?
If you realize that you are someone who cares about what others think of you, you need to take some steps, not to be antisocial or to completely ignore the opinions of others, but to build a healthy relationship with yourself and others:
- Remind yourself that no one cares so much about what you said or did, and a large percentage will not remember it, because other people’s opinion of us, whether positive or negative, is much less than we imagine . The results of 4 studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology showed that we overestimate the impact of our failures and shortcomings on the thinking of others, and that most of the mistakes actors made and expected the audience to be harsh with them. because of them they were initially the result of their excessive focus on the possibility of their failure, and in the end they did not. They produced a backlash as portrayed by their pessimistic expectations.
- Judge for yourself about your behavior. People tend to distort the truth in their minds, follow negative thinking patterns and assume the worst, and that is what drives us towards humor and bad behavior. A clear view of things requires that you speak to yourself honestly and discern whether you are truly rejected in a situation or delirious because you were possessed by feelings of anger.
- Do not strive for perfection. It may be hard to get rid of the idea “if I am perfect they will love me”, but this quest is an illusion and what people think of you affects them more than it does. is from you.
- Introduce yourself by asking what you really want, what you want, and are you making strides in your professional and social life because you want to or because it will impress someone else? To find an answer, try new things, learn different skills and find different groups of friends who can accept you unconditionally.
- Control what distracts you, so that you can get rid of feelings of shame. This technique relies on directing your attention to where you want to focus and expelling other thoughts, which happens during meditation and attention sessions.
- Drown at work If you do not find time for mindfulness exercises, you can replace work and sports with it, focusing on the goals, steps, and number of miles you have traveled.
- Be kind, caring for others, such as writing a thank-you note to those who have been kind to you, and repeating approval phrases so that others will automatically love you if you are comfortable with them. them, even if you misbehave. they will be provided for your good intentions.
- Acknowledge yourself, you can not invite someone into your mind and decision-making process if he is not welcome in your home and do not waste time with people waiting for you to follow in their footsteps, and instead look for people who belong to him , try to develop yourself to be different and others to seek to stay close to you.