Toxic relationships..unconscious abuse

Dima Al Daks

Everything that makes us see the world through a “pink” lens is clean without problems and can go so far as to blind us to those little issues that poison the relationship and make it in itself a source of harm. Relationships develop over time, mature and changed as a result of the development and change of personalities of their parties and as a result due to the rapprochement between them over time, appear features that may not have been noticed at first , which can sometimes lead to corrosion. of bondage, and poison, so the mold eats it from the inside while it looks perfect from the outside, and only from the outside !!

Healthy human relationships are based on mutual respect, mutual care and the ability to share decisions, in short, they are a shared desire for happiness .. a secure relationship in which we can be ourselves, feel comfortable and safe, while toxic relationships are characterized by insecurity and concentration.For self and attempts to control and dominate one party over the other.

While you can clearly see the signs of physical, emotional or verbal abuse, lying and betrayal, sometimes a toxic relationship is difficult to distinguish …

How does a toxic relationship arise?

Toxic relationships are characterized by the presence of a repetitive and harmful pattern of behavior between two parties, this pattern may include jealousy or fatal exploitation, desire for dominance, selfishness, rejection. While a healthy relationship plays an effective role in supporting the individual’s self-confidence and increasing his emotional energy, toxic relationships are the opposite. , it destroys the individual’s self-confidence and absorbs his energy. While every relationship involves a struggle for control, especially in the beginning of the relationship, we all make mistakes and quarrel, as there is no relationship that can be described as “ideal” in this context, and for a more precise detail, the toxic relationship can be recognized and distinguished by repetition and continuity, so that toxic behavior of the relationship becomes a prevailing pattern, not an exception, and toxic relationships are characterized by the presence of one party seeking to impose its absolute control, a control manifested by methods of clear occasionally, or in vague symbolic formulas for the second party. .

Low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem is one of the main pillars that produces many forms of toxic relationships and here it is not limited to one party without the other, as we often think of an assumption based on the fact that the party seeking control is the credible narcissist, but in fact this narcissism can hide a deeper level of tremors of trust and insecurity, which can push many people to try to compensate for this lack of control over the partner. of harm, violence, and negative feelings, which causes them to lose the ability to distinguish between violence and abuse and to subconsciously turn to individuals who practice patterns of toxic behaviors with which they are accustomed and know nothing else. .

Getting rid of toxic relationships is not easy.

It is in such relationships that what Robert Firestone, a professor of psychology, calls the “imaginary bond” arises to describe the illusion of communication that emerges between two people, which helps alleviate their individual fears by forming a false sense. connection. This kind of companionship turns into a totally toxic state, where the feeling of love and support is replaced by the desire to merge and unite identities and the loss of a sense of independence, as each seeks security in the illusion of integration, or one of the parties plays the role of father. or the mother in the relationship through the illusion of providing protection and care. The ability of individuals in this type of relationship to deceive themselves enables them to maintain the illusion of closeness and intimacy, closing their eyes to the fact that the relationship lacks true emotional commitment and true companionship.

Toxic relationship patterns.

Laughing, belittling and belittling the other party.

In this style, one party deliberately mocks the other party constantly, disparaging him and his opinions and ideas and humiliating and humiliating him in front of others. And if you ask him to stop this, he will most likely tell you that he is joking and will accuse you of not having a sense of humor. If this behavior persists for a long time, a sense of distrust in decisions and your opinions may start to penetrate you, until you believe what he says ..

Anger, irritability and sudden reactions.

Some people are unpredictable what can ignite their anger, you feel with them that you are walking on the eggshells, where you can not be yourself and the passage of everything you say or do is surrounded by a strict control for fear that the other party will be angry. , which affects your emotional and physical health and makes you avoid expressing your feelings and thoughts for fear of his anger and emotions, and if you blame him for his emotions, he will most likely accuse you of you are the cause of his anger and emotion. .

The spread of guilt.

Excessive reaction and / or blame.

There are two overlapping patterns. The first type exaggerates his reactions when blamed and plunges into anger or sadness and frustration, so the other party finds himself calming him down instead of discussing the main problem. As for the second model, he will turn the table and turn the letters. If you confront him with a problem or something that angers you, you will find that he has turned things around and you will end up trying to reconcile him and apologize. him. Both styles do not allow you to express yourself and you may end up feeling wrong about the other person and certainly get lost in the main issue you wanted to discuss in the first place.

Independent (no commitment).

Independence is certainly not a negative trait, but this person always raises his independence as an excuse not to commit and is someone you can not predict his actions.

– Scalpel.

This person is good as long as he gets what he wants from you and the relationship with him is a one-sided relationship, in which one party spends time, effort and money sometimes while announcing what he is doing is not . enough, if this person does something for you, he will often use it against you later if you refuse to do something He asks them to make you feel guilty.

Possessive / suspicious.

This partner surrounds the other party with crazy jealousy, some may indulge in feeling jealousy and consider it a sign of love, but natural jealousy has limits, if it passes it will poison your life. Family members dictate what to do and not to do, which destroys the balance in the relationship and deprives it of mutual respect.

– Lies and betrayal.

Lying and betrayal have the ability to break up trust, lies pile up one after another, and every lie hits the wall of trust that protects the relationship.

and what? is there hope ?.

Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship is a vital and essential step, whether you decide to leave the relationship or it is difficult and you can not get rid of it, but just being aware of their presence will help you cope with it and not. spend your energy.

Will you cope with the damage and negativity involved in the relationship? Can you cope with the anxiety, tension, stress and problems that involve the relationship? What do you gain from this relationship? How can you restore a healthy and happy relationship? And what will you have to sacrifice? Will you have to sacrifice your safety and security? How does this affect those around you, your children, your partner or others around you? Are you willing to spend the time, effort and patience needed to repair the relationship? Is your partner willing to give in return?

It is worth noting that if the relationship was toxic from the beginning and did not witness any healthy atmosphere, unfortunately, the chance of its success may be very small, you will have to learn how to abandon the other party and to survive on your own without any feelings of guilt or sadness, you may not be able to change your partner, but you can change the way you treat his behaviors, and your reactions to them, you can cope with the partner with toxic behaviors that you bother and ask to stop him and declare that this behavior is no longer acceptable to you, it is important to understand within yourself that you deserve respect, love and trust and that you deserve a healthy relationship, that you are not a victim but that you can survive.

Translations by The Guardian.

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