How did ‘relationship’ drive me crazy while meditating? The novel “Your Love Darbani” and Tales of Attachment

I re-read the novel “Your Love Darbani” by the pioneer of the Tunisian novel, Bashir Khrayef (1917-1983), after going through a psychological crisis, after the failure of a romantic relationship, which made me read the news in the psychology of relationships.

I was impressed by the intuitive and keen conscience of the novel in this field, as I found in this novel, which was published in 1958, stereotypical characters that correspond very accurately in their description and analysis with the models that were classified, in the field of emotions . relationships, from the psychological theory of attachment, a theory known for several years in the Anglo-Saxon world for human development, but the American psychologist John Bowlby did not lay his first daughters until 1969. Before developing them along with his colleagues in later decades.

Relationship theory began with a description of the quality of children’s connection to their parents before it expanded, and is applied to emotional relationships.

According to the theory, people have four types in their emotional relationships: a confident type, who feels comfortable about sex and intimacy is not a problem for him, and is often a loving and warm person, and three insecure models represent the relationship. , and intimacy is a problem for him, which are:

The anxious relationship style, in which a person wants a romantic relationship, pays the most attention to it and tends to worry about the mutual love of his emotional partner.

The avoidant relationship style and considers that intimacy makes him lose his independence and always seeks to limit the emotional partner’s closeness to him.

The anxiety pattern for avoiding the veteran bond (also known as the disordered pattern) is rare and has features of the previous two types, depending on the circumstances.

Knowing the patterns in our relationship as human beings with our loved ones and partners facilitates our understanding of ourselves and others, and our prediction of their emotional situations, as relationship theory suggests that the model we adopt makes us programmed to acted in one way or another in our own way. romantic relationships

I became interested in this theory after my failure in a romantic relationship caused a disturbance in my psyche and behavior.

I found myself reading greedily first, human development books related to emotional relationships, then articles and books on psychology, trying to understand what happened to me and how I almost lost my mind due to an emotional relationship while I was practitioner. of meditation and self-discipline.

I discovered the theory of connection and realized that my behavior, which seemed strange, confusing, and confusing to me and others, responded to a scientific description defined by that theory.

As Levine and Heller write in their book, knowing patterns in bonding facilitates understanding of behavior and predicting emotional responses, as bonding theory suggests that the pattern we adopt makes us programmed to act one way or another. in our romantic relationships.

It seems that the Tunisian writer Al-Bashir Khareef, like me, experienced a severe emotional state, according to what I read to his friend, the literary critic who specializes in his literature, Fawzi Al-Zamrli, which prompted him to write the novel. . “Your love is Darbani.”

What caught my attention and impressed me is that Khareef’s description and analysis of his characters hardly differs from the vivid examples that authors today, from psychologists and others, have grafted into their books on connection theory.

This confirms Khareef’s love for the novel, Barq al-Layl, for “exploring the depths of emotional life” since the publication of his first story by Khareef “Night of the Dead” in 1937, in addition to his ability to deconstruct of psychological aspects. , an anatomy taken from the critics of that time The period in which the Tunisian novel was predominantly social and political.

The focus of the novel “Your Love Darbani” is complex emotional relationships.

The focus of the novel “Habakk Darbani” is the complex emotional relationships between his characters: Salim, Fawzia, Rabeh and Sheikh Ismail.

Salim is a lover of Wahhan, obsessed with Fawzia, a young woman who previously worked as a prostitute, married to Sheikh Ismail, the head of the theater group that unites the three.

Fawzia is also in love; She loves Rabeh, one of her old clients and boyfriends, but he refuses to settle with a woman as he is known.

Despite this, Fawzia insisted that he marry her when the date of her marriage to Sheikh Ismail was approaching, and even threatened to commit suicide.

It can be assumed that the character of the hero, Selim, expresses at least part of the experience of the writer Bashir Khareef and his psychological state.

In Al-Bashir’s Autumn novel, Selim represents the model of the style of anxiety, as he is the one who “lacks love, a deep love that fills the void of his heart.” Fawzia becomes obsessed with it and becomes sensitive to the most subtle changes in her mood or behavior.

Like any anxiety, he is unable to express his desires, so he makes plans to get her attention and like any anxiety, his love for her confuses his thoughts, so he becomes incapable of t ‘focused on his role in the show. Selim raises Fawzia’s status despite revealing that she is a prostitute as he sees himself as a failure at all levels and can only remember what he sees as positive in his relationship with her and thinks she is the only one capable of making him happy; His plan to move to El Kef and marry another woman there is canceled.

As for Rabeh, he is the role model of the evasive character in the novel “Habakk Al Darbani”, as Al-Bashir Khareef describes him as “a successful man, that is, he has no heart” and he was known for his “emotions”. unstable “. “, And he does not understand the meaning of a person associated with a free woman, which one day may be a day for another.

“He sees love as a game and a distraction for those who have nothing more important,” and always wants to renew his feminine relationship with the prostitutes he frequented.

Fawzia’s character in the novel is the model of the messy style of bonding, that is, of one who has two faces: an anxious face and an avoidant one.

Usually a person with a troubled model has a strong desire to establish close emotional relationships, but he does not trust others and is afraid of intimacy, so he remains between hitting and running away from emotional relationships and to them.

Likewise, Fawzia, who wants a home, a family and a husband to serve and sympathize with, and when she has this with Sheikh Ismail, she runs away from him to more than one lover.

On the one hand, Fawzia combines the avoidant style of bonding to fulfill a healthy love for her and the anxious method through which she bonds with a winner, on the other hand.

Salim is a lover of Wahlan, a fan of Fawzia obsession, a young Fawzia who has worked in prostitution and is married to Sheikh Ismail and loves Rabeh, one of her old clients, but Rabeh accepts no deal with any woman …

It is worth noting that Kharief put the focus of his novel on the character of Fawzia, who adopts a vague model, while this model was not diagnosed in psychology until the nineties of the last century.

Khareef analyzed Fawzia’s personality even those characteristics that were introduced in a recent study in 2019.

The study showed that people with a disordered lifestyle tend to have more sex than other types, and they have a greater tendency to agree to sex even when they do not want it.

Likewise, Fawzia, who was once a prostitute, “tasted the bitterness and sweetness of mastery and did not know: is it the need that pushes her this way or the great desire?”

Relationship theory is based on the idea that children acquire specific patterns in how they relate to those who care for them, whether mothers, fathers, or others, according to the “caregiver” response and the availability of his or her moral presence to him or her. baby.

If the “caregiver” is responsive and available, the baby has developed a secure bonding pattern, and if the caregiver is responsive and available in a casual and volatile manner, the baby has developed a disturbed bonding pattern.

If the caregiver is not at all responsible or available, or rather is overwhelming to the point of suffocation, the baby adopts an avoidant bonding pattern.

It was later proved that the model acquired by man as a baby accompanies him throughout his life. Therefore, psychologists were able to adopt the theory in the elderly and apply it in their relationships with their emotional partners, but they unanimously agree that a person who adopts an insecure model may treat themselves and change the direction of safe model.

The anxiety model often finds herself, like Salim, in a ups and downs between feelings of joy and disappointment, especially when associated with a person with an avoidant role model, which happened between Salim the anxiety and Fawzia, with her face evasive on the one hand and what also happened between Fawzias with her worried face and the merely evasive winner on the one hand.

Attachment theorists have noticed that anxiety and avoidance are attracted like magnets, which we read again in amazement in Kharief, when he writes of Salim and Fawzia: “Their natural predisposition cannot be denied: it must attract and he postponed “.

But such a relationship is usually described as a trap, because anxiety and avoidance live on two opposite principles: the first is to approach, and the second is to leave, and it usually leads to the anxious model of living in hell, as it were. . the case for Selim’s character, or for the writer of the novel, Al-Bashir Autumn, or for the writer of these lines, before she miraculously survived.

1. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, attached, Penguin. 2010

2. Fawzi Al-Zamrli, “Al-Bashir Autumn March”, Preface to the complete Al-Bashir Autumn Works, Guardian of the Ministry of Culture and Heritage, Dar Al-Janoub Publications, Tunisia, p. 12.

3. Fawzi Al-Zamrli, “Al-Bashir Autumn March”, the above-mentioned reference, p. 21.

4. Bartholomew, K. and Horowitz, LM (1991). Relationship styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. “Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61, 226-244, doi: 10.1037 / 0022-3514.61.2.226.

5. Nicolas Favez and Hervé Tissot, “The Fear-Avoidance Link: A Specific Impact on Sexuality?”, Journal of Sex & Martal Therapy, Volume 45, 2019 – Number 6, doi: 10.1080 / 0092623x.2699x.2019.

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