Dubai, United Arab Emirates (CNN) – With trust so central to the relationship, trying to regain the feeling of being lost may seem impossible. But if you are to blame if the trust in the relationship is broken, there is hope that it will be restored.
Karen Cook, a professor of sociology at Stanford University in California, told CNN that belief “is often defined, somewhat abstractly, as a desire to be vulnerable to another or to an institution, or treated as a feature of a relationship “.
Professor Michelle Williams at Tippie College of Business at the University of Lowa believes that the highest degree of trust is embodied when the other relies on you to act on his behalf, or to pursue his own interests even when you have the opportunity to take advantage of him. and even cause harm to him. She added that trust “facilitates the process of cooperation and participation”.
A higher level of trust means that people can rely on you to act on their behalf or in their best interest, even when you have the opportunity to benefit or harm them, explained Michelle Williams, a professor at the University of Iowa Tippi School of Business. the process of cooperation and sharing.
Williams cited a study published in 1995, which shows that trust is based on three pillars: the ability to complete any task assigned to you, empathy, concern or protection of others, and integrity. That is, to act according to a set of consensus values.
Kiundra Jackson, the therapist for couples and families, explained that when one loses faith in the other, they may question their subsequent good intentions or their credibility. Noting that lack of trust in emotional relationships can impair emotional and physical communication between the two.
In the workplace, according to Williams, the price of losing trust translates into an interruption of communication due to negative mutual feelings that lead to avoiding dating, which stands in the way of resolving the problem of mistrust.
3 tips to restore trust
Sympathy and forgiveness
In this context, Darlene Lancer, a couples and family psychotherapist in Santa Monica, California, explains that if you feel sorry and want to apologize, you should know that people change, and therefore apologizing varies from person to person. adding that some “do not care what you want to say, but they want to hear the word: I apologize, noting that” other people do not care, but they want you to listen to them and understand how they feel. And another group just says: Well, tell me what you have, I’ll not care why you say that.
Williams noted that someone who has lost faith in you “will accuse you of being an unreliable person and will defend yourself that your intentions were good, instead of listening to what he has to say” , explaining that “this empathy is often very important.”
The key to rebuilding trust, according to Williams, is to listen well to the other person to understand their point of view and feelings, noting that this should be done immediately after the problem has occurred.
Williams said the other person should be asked how he perceives what happened and why it’s painful for him, noting the need to empathize with elements you can not see from your point of view and apologize for what hurt him by your behavior. , as well as listening to him without interruption and asking questions This helps you understand his feelings and thoughts.
Once he has finished saying everything he has, Jackson said, you can share what happened from your point of view and accept what you did without making excuses.
The road to gaining trust … is long
Apologizing is an essential step, but it is not a magic wand that will always turn the relationship around as before, right away.
Williams noted that there is an “important study that deals with inequality in the level of trust between two parties”, by Professor Peter Kim at the University of Southern California, on the reconstruction of trust, published in 2009. “The idea is that when a “the person loses trust in the other, he becomes more resistant to its reconstruction,” she said. “More than he normally does, because he now sees you as someone who can hurt him.”
Therefore, Williams advises that you continue to maintain this relationship by regularly showing that you are trustworthy, as this will help the other person bring you back into his or her life. She also advises not to give up too quickly because the other person will need time to believe that your efforts towards him are real.
Jackson noted that the person you hurt should not forgive you or trust you again if you do not want to.
another chance …
Jackson said one of the main reasons why the level of trust did not return to what had preceded the relationship is the fact that the effort was made by one party, explaining that it is possible to repair what broke the relationship with by making an effort from both sides.
She advised Williams to be open to the other’s initiatives to regain trust in him, taking into account his point of view. And she added, “If possible, look at what he has done to you badly, and not as a culprit whose sole purpose is to cause you harm. You have also, perhaps in other circumstances, done things or “You have made choices in which you have somehow disregarded the feelings of the other … When you accept that it will help you regain trust between you.
“Building trust is one of the hardest things most people experience because it takes a lot of time,” Jackson explained. She added, “I have met many people who insist on rebuilding trust. They make a real effort to realize it. Sometimes they may need professional help and sometimes not, it all has to do with visualizing the purpose.”
She concluded: “Once things return to normal, I always feel that these relationships will be stronger than they were before.”