- Kristian Rou
- journalism
Some develop romantic relationships with people thousands of miles away from each other as a result of their connection to a different job. How do those relationships survive? And what helps his success?
David Sitchon and Brian Gilmore are not used to living together in one place. Even when they lived together in the Irish capital Dublin six years ago after graduating from university, they often had to leave each other because of their research trips.
Sechon, who is German, works as a researcher on the living conditions of clothing workers and currently lives in Phnom Penh, Cambodia and is currently preparing to return to Berlin. His companion, Gilmore, who is Canadian, works as a health researcher and travels between the cities of Nairobi and Marsab in Kenya. The two are still in their early thirties and consider Dublin their meeting point.
Seechon and Gilmore see that they are working to build their future, so they have to sacrifice in the moment.
“The reason we are so far apart and so open is because we want to get involved in business and get what we can do,” Gilmore says.
It helps them to appreciate each other’s work and each of them’s connection to his work. None of them are upset because their situation is similar in terms of working abroad.
At the same time, both pay special attention to their relationship and are willing to reconcile their situation in the future if distance threatens that relationship. They were assured of this even during their studies, when they saved to buy airline tickets, so that they could be seen at least once every three months.
Sitchon says that although the cost was high, both made sure this was their number one savings goal.
This does not mean that life for them is rosy, the time difference presents great difficulties from time to time. But this dimension has other benefits as well, as meeting after absence is hot. “When we meet, we are together,” says Gilmore.
published photo, David Cichon
Brian Gilmore and David Seachon are in their early thirties and work in two different countries
Higher education and great distances
It is difficult to determine whether such relationships are on the rise, but seven percent of Canadian couples aged 20 or older – including 31 percent of those aged 20 to 24 – “live together remotely” in a relationship.
Census data also show that nearly four million Americans and 785,000 in England and Wales live far away from their spouses, but it is not known for sure whether the reason for the separation is work or other reasons, such as relationship problems or health reasons.
“There is currently no demographic that can measure the percentage of highly educated employees living apart from their partners because of job distance,” says Danielle Lindemann, a sociologist at Lehigh University in the United States. “No one can say for sure whether this lifestyle has become more common than ever. It has been done in the past or not, but anyone who studies it may think there is an increase in the number of people living in places away from their partners because of work. ”
There is some evidence that marriages between people living far apart are on the rise, at least in the United States.
Others argue that the reason for the increase in meetings between people separated remotely is partly due to the proliferation of dating applications and internet communication.
Research involving doctoral students in the United States shows that they tend to live apart from their partners when each party has their own field of work, rather than abandoning the entire relationship or accepting another job just to stay close. In fact, it seems that the election circle is narrowing with the increase of the educational level.
Lindemann says in her new book “Remotely Divided Couples: New Families in a Changing World” that one spends a lot of time and effort educating and acquiring skills, but this reduces the chances of what can be done.
Lindemann points out that specialization in a particular field in the job market can lead to specialists traveling to distant lands to find the right job, and she gives an example by saying: “Imagine, for example, that you specialize in studies . Russian tea cups during the eighteenth century, so you will need to move Where is the Russian tea cup industry?
published photo, F. Vallieres
Data in the US show an increase in the number of marriages between people living far from each other
How do these relationships work?
When some people voluntarily choose a distinctive job that requires a life separated from their life partner, it is much different than if they would be forced to do so because of their need for money, because it makes the latter feel more pressure.
And Che Beledo, a communications researcher at Erasmus University Rotterdam and the Free University of Amsterdam, points out that financial issues can affect the continuation of a relationship because of the inability to pay for visits or reunions in one place.
There are horrific situations, including those involving Filipino home workers. Peledo is more aware of this situation because it is from the Philippines, where in some countries workers are banned from using their phone or calling their families.
Peledo says parties in long-distance relationships “consider their relationship more stable” because some things that can damage relationships between couples living with each other can help strengthen long-distance relationships, including jealousy that can to improve distance relationships as long as they are true jealousy and not just doubts and illusions ..
Also, tracking the other party’s social activity online can help the distance relationship as long as that tracking does not reach the point of intrusion. Peledo’s Facebook research, with the help of Peter Kerkhof and Catherine Kinkenauer, found that social media connections between people far apart can help others understand that the relationship is working, in the absence of friends to play the role directly . It is known that society’s positive attitude towards the relationship contributes to its success, and vice versa.
Some personality traits also make relationships successful. Sitchon and Gilmore, as they describe them, are flexible, adaptable, capable of making friends in new places, and do not find it difficult to spend time alone.
In her research, Lindemann found that these characteristics were the common denominator of many who have long-distance relationships and meet occasionally, in addition to a stable financial situation and of course the absence of children.
Lindemann, who once lived in one country and her husband in another, says she would not do the same now that they had a child.
These experiences show that there are some commonalities in successful relationships between partners living far from each other, the first of which is of course communication. To compensate for the distance, social communication can be used for example through Facebook or WhatsApp application.
It is beneficial for a person not to compare his relationship with that of people living in the same place, so as not to feel frustrated. This is consistent with studies showing that although distance or absence does not necessarily harm a relationship, it is the nature of the relationship and the personal characteristics of the individuals in it that predict its quality.