Offers and discounts, red-covered shops and paid ads appear on your social media platforms, restaurants that need advance bookings, and more that a few weeks ago were filled with bookings for this day. Video with innovative ideas, one person surprises his girlfriend at the airport, another buys a big doll he holds on the street and walks with him in front of pedestrians, and people photograph him and write quotes about love, adoration and adoration. Flowers and photos of a romantic dinner and a plethora of commercial marketing about the importance of appreciating your marital or romantic partner and how you should express your love and affection to him.
However, various figures, statistics and scientific follow-up show that many cases of emotional separation and marital problems occur during the Valentine period, with week before and week after week. It is preceded and followed by the crest of the monitor curve. posts that talk about separation (I recently split from partner, partner, husband, wife, due to…), the period in which the emotional state turns into: single or single.
There are objective and scientific reasons for this increase in separations before and after Valentine’s Day, and the publication curve shows other days and seasons when emotional separation increases, including April 1st, the beginning of the week, and the period before New Year. Ri. Journalist and data visualization specialist David McCandless (1) simulates breakdowns according to Facebook updates and displays them over a timeline of months and seasons of the year, as shown in the image below.
Valentine..Why do divisions on occasions and holidays increase?
These figures were not isolated from the observations of psychologists and researchers specializing in the psychology of emotional and marital relationships. The researchers had good information from their experiences with auditors in psychiatric clinics about the tension of emotional relationships during certain seasons and on certain days for example. as Valentine’s Day (5). Researchers suggested from long ago what Facebook could easily prove later, that a day like Valentine’s day could be a time bomb to destroy many intimate relationships and their collapse due to a number of factors that we will mention in This article.
- First, high expectations are a trap to destroy any relationship
Disappointments come only through expectations, man is disappointed and disappointed, only in the moment before which he expected something to happen, the man who does not expect something is not disappointed by not receiving it. According to researchers (2) in psychology, the problem with Valentine’s Day and seasonal holidays is that they raise the ceiling of human expectations. The person assumes that his partner will prepare something extraordinary during this day and that this day should not pass like everyday. another day, and once this initial expectation occurs, it is created. An individual has an internal level of stress that exceeds any other normal day and makes him more prone to anger, resentment and problematic. The problem of expectations is not limited to Valentine’s Day. In general, according to psychologists (2), couples who enter into their relationship with a high ceiling of expectations, after some time are disappointed and express general dissatisfaction with their long-term relationship.
- Second, social comparison
In social psychology (3), the concept of social comparison expresses a person’s tendency to understand himself and his personal situations by comparing them to others and their personal conditions. According to this definition, the concept of social comparison is not just a procedural process by which a person compares only two things, but a person redefines himself and questions his conditions by making others a central criterion for understanding himself. and to determine whether he is better or worse than them. Social comparison behaviors have increased due to social media platforms, especially those using photos, videos and stories like Instagram, where increased use of social media platforms has been linked, according to studies, to an increase in social comparison behaviors, which has been linked to poor mental health and an increase in anxiety disorders, depression, eating disorders and body distortion (4).
On Valentine’s Day, people share photos and videos on social media accounts of public surprises in supermarkets, restaurants and cafes, as well as gifts that lovers give to each other, and this in turn creates knowledge in the minds of viewers about compare their personal conditions with such altruistic experiences. , and reconsider if my husband or wife is thinking of giving me a similar surprise; This causes frustration, dissatisfaction and a rethinking of the health of our choices and relationships.
- Third: Exaggerating the shortcomings and revealing the silent defects in the relationship.
Scheduling a day to define love, and to prove how much the other values me or how much I value him, creates a normative problem that increases the tension and sensitivity of that day (5). The main problem – according to researchers – is that such days cause exposure to many problems and defects that spouses or partners avoided talking about or discussing in the previous days. Therefore, any mistake, omission or failure during this day becomes the cause for the explosion of time bombs that have been detonated in the previous days. The problem is when the other person falls short on Valentine’s Day, even a slight shortcoming.
And because the nature of this day causes a kind of destructive dispute, according to experts and scholars of marital relations who have followed the reasons for the termination of the relationship and the reasons for their continuation, it was found that the nature of differences and methods used by spouses during the dispute or heated discussion significantly affect the destruction or construction of the relationship (6) From this perspective, disagreements on Valentine’s Day are often associated with guilt, denial, and guilt, and it is the worst. kind of discussion methods in romantic relationships, which are statistically related to the increase in opportunities and the degree of separation. Below is a photograph illustrating the most prominent methods scientifically related to the destruction of emotional relationships (6).
- Fourth: Commercial marketing of the concept of love
Many photos, videos and ads define the forms of emotional appreciation that a man should give to his wife or boyfriend and vice versa, of course, a person who does not bring a red rose or a luxurious package of chocolate or a bottle of perfume is someone who does not appreciate his emotional partner enough. This marketing also eliminates any personal circumstances that a person may go through during the day. Most of the advertising photos that are presented are of an employee wearing a luxurious black suit, sitting behind his desk in a large trading company, doing some calls to prepare. a surprise for his wife or boyfriend and he has all this material luxury.There is a lot of money and time to devote to planning this surprise.
This marketing image neglects a large segment of the middle and lower middle classes, who work in completely different functional systems, including work in factories and hospitals on work shifts that can last a whole day or two nights. continuous, so that the person is completely busy. with his work to the extent that he forgets himself, or is unable to have a material or time surplus with which he can manage a surprise remotely. The problem is exacerbated by the limited time for this day. Within 24 hours you are asked to do something, and most of the expectations are for it to be something extraordinary that does not resemble other days, which becomes like a guillotine to judge. the other person during this day from his success or failure to prove his love and interest tremendously.
What do psychologists advise to avoid Valentine’s problems?
- Realistic expectations and shared understandings
Do not raise the ceiling of your expectations, taking into account the other’s circumstances and his preoccupations and that each person may have a bad day at work at any time, may be under pressure from his manager or may be late in work. , the car can break down, the person can get stuck in a suffocating traffic crisis and other things suffocating details of daily life that can tire the person and make him lose focus and ability to plan or prepare. The financial circumstances that the other is going through, the financial obligations that he performs and that the middle of the month may not be materially best for the person to bring a suitable gift should also be evaluated.
- Find everyday details instead of extraordinary surprises
Do not limit your definition of the other or the degree of his appreciation or love for you through an extraordinary surprise once a year, seek places of appreciation and love in daily life, in his thanksgiving to you when you prepare a delicious meal, or images of appreciation for you when you help or solve a problem for him, or the way he treats you in front of others and in front of family. Remember the beautiful moments you spent together, the sincere and spontaneous moments and do not forget the long history of the two together. Good company, understanding and private discussions all constitute an intimate and sincere confession of the amount of love you exchange.
- Gratitude for the good and the special instead of indignation towards the lost
Gratitude behaviors are among the practices most related to the mental health of individuals. People who stop every night or every week to reflect on the best that has happened in their lives and feel grateful to have these good relationships and these conditions good; They are mentally healthier and more psychologically stable than others. Therefore, it is healthy for a person to evaluate his position in his relationship and in his life isolated from comparison with others, and it is good for anyone to be able to understand himself without placing him in a narrow frame of comparison. who only inherit envy, jealousy and disappointment. A good way to take this day is to find time to talk about the best moments you have spent together and the most memorable moments when you feel like yourself.
- Help your partner plan a good day instead of expecting a surprise
One of the real ideas that marriage specialists advise is to help your partner plan a good day for the occasion. Instead of limiting this case to February 14, you can agree to spend a special day only during the next month, at a time and A date convenient for both of you. It was convenient to spend this special day. The importance of this idea is that both parties work together to plan a beautiful day to spend together agreeing on the nature of the activities or the place they want to go. Tension, embarrassment and burden for one or both parties.
Sources and references:
- The Beauty of Data Visualization – David McCandless
- Great hopes and happy homes. K. KERSTING – APA (2004)
- A theory of social comparison. Festinger L. (1954)
- How does social media use and social comparison affect mental health? Warrender D, Milne R (2020)
- How do vacations affect relationship processes and outcomes? Examination of the stimulating and catalytic effects of Valentine’s Day. Morse, KA and Neuberg, SL (2004)
- Making love from the inside out: Turn complaints, criticisms and conflicts into a love affair. – Dr. Bill Cloke (2009)