If you are looking for a marital relationship without disagreements, then you can ask for the impossible, but psychologists say that the complete absence of marital disputes absolutely and permanently can be an indication that the relationship is approaching the end of the relationship and has achieved in the phase of coldness, indifference and emotional boredom in the spouses. At the same time, the fact that the marital relationship remains in a state of constant tension, sharp disagreements and ongoing problems is also an unhealthy indicator. Therefore, psychologists and psychotherapists specializing in marital relationships advise couples to learn how to manage their differences and problem-solving skills. In fact, marital disputes can be an opportunity to strengthen the relationship with the husband or wife and deepen your emotional and emotional connection if you manage to overcome them consciously and maturely.
If you are suffering from problems with your husband or wife and are looking for direct solutions and steps to solve them, you are in the right place and we advise you to continue reading this article to learn about the most important steps and techniques that will help you solve your marital problems and restore health and love to your husband or wife. And if you want to know more about the psychological causes of marital disputes, their roots and how they are formed, we advise you to read the extended version of this article entitled You need marital problems .. But, how and what to do to manage them?
What can I do to support my husband and my marriage?
- First: Take a few hours periodically to filter out any negative feelings
Therapist Megan Caston warns of disagreements arising from lack of communication, unspoken expectations spouses have of each other and their needs, considering it important to talk early before anger and resentment develop. Although Caston’s opinion may not sound like the most romantic ritual, he suggests defining a “marital business meeting” in which the two partners touch everything.
Some couples constantly set a date to address relationship concerns, rather than occasionally bringing difficulties and things that need improvement, and find it beneficial to invest about an hour on a weekly or monthly basis to resolve dispute issues, which made couples wait ahead. at the agreed time because they know they in it will get all of their partner’s attention.
- Second, look at how you start a debate
Certified relationship trainer and founder of Lasting marriage counseling app Steven Dzidzic tells us that the way you start conversations greatly influences the flow of the conversation. Couples in healthy relationships can be tired, hungry, and may not feel good, lost, or misunderstood as we are. This is where the anxiety and the problems arise, so give yourself a moment to think. Do I put my partner under attack when I talk about problems, or do I sometimes retreat leaving room for him to express himself?
Stephen explains how to start a dialogue in three parts: the tone of your voice, the volume of your voice, and the words you say. If the other party feels harsh on one of them, the conversation is likely to take a hostile turn.
- Third: Do not interrupt the other during the speech and its discovery and start by concluding a non-interruption agreement.
Interruptions during the conversation are a major cause of growing quarrels and worsening problems, so Chapman suggests that the two agree on a timeline for the partner to share their thoughts and feelings. Setting a time limit helps to focus on listening, rather than deafening the ears and paying full attention to the inside. Now this partner knows he is entering into the discussion, so he should not interrupt to express one point or challenge another.
If spouses encounter a difficult problem that needs to be addressed, they begin to agree. Dr. Gottman notes that successful couples who have been together for a long time possess kindness, presenting issues in a friendly manner never starting with criticism. So starting with an agreement is the best way to avoid a debate and start a discussion. Find something you can agree on and start there.
- Fourth: Create an atmosphere of love and express your curiosity
In the middle of a quarrel, try to see the world through the eyes of your loved one, work hard to understand how they see the problem and how they feel, and then ask questions for clarification, recommends Dr. Gary Chapman, marriage counselor. Once you understand your partner’s argument, he advises you to say something in Like, “I think I understand what you are saying, how you feel and it makes a lot of sense.” This sentence is enough to declare your friendship and suppress the hostility that has created a tense atmosphere.
It is very rare for you to really feel heard and understood, so he advises couples to ask questions that also indicate that they are actively trying to understand their partner, such as: “Tell me more” and “No understand”. still, but please go on. ”Doing so helps the listener develop sensitivity and enables the speaker to feel heard.
- Fifth: Find the emotional roots of the dispute and root it out
Go beyond the argument, sit down with your partner (or mark) and review all the arguments you have recently raised or any major problems that have arisen in recent months, try to identify the patterns under the arguments, once you have identified your patterns, clearly identify each partner’s side in arguments Discussion Do it in non-judgmental terms, for example, the problem may be “spending”. You like to enjoy dinner outside regularly, while your spouse likes to save for something big. You are both not to blame, but that way you know where you stand.
“Underneath every quarrel, there is an unmet emotional need,” says Dzidzic. For example, your husband did not do something even though you asked for it dozens of times, you argue, but the words hidden behind things can be something like “I do not feel valued” or “I do not like I am his number one priority “When you take the time to dig deeper into the problem and the answer, you can address the underlying emotional need and reach greater understanding.”
- Sixth: Do not leave a point or arena of contention
One of the reasons that small disagreements constantly erupt is that both partners do not stop raising the problems of the past while they are involved in a current discussion, so it is preferable to try to avoid things like “You always do this”. This is your behavior “or” You never do this “, Do not call previous arguments or disagreements, because this will only aggravate the problem and will not look at it in its true size, but from its shadow large reflected in a wall built by dissatisfaction.
- Seven: Take time in case you or your partner need one
In a debate, it is common for one or both partners to find themselves in a situation of “fighting”, “running” or “freezing” when they think they may be in danger. The term “fight” or “flight” refers to the time when stress hormones are activated to give people more energy to fight stress or escape a situation. A “freezing” situation occurs when a person simply does not react at all, hoping that the stressor will lose interest in the fight.
Here, problem solving is very unlikely because each person focuses only on responding to the perceived threat they feel from their partner. If only one person is in “fight”, “escape” or “freeze” mode, while the other is trying to solve the problem, both can get frustrated and the conflict intensifies. And you can frame this timeout in a way that does not make your partner feel like you are going too far. One might say, “Okay, it takes me 10 minutes to calm down.” When you return to the discussion after the short end. pause, the potential for real progress may come.
- Eight: Find the best way to apologize
Not only do we have different languages of love, but we also have different languages of apology. It is not enough to understand that you have hurt your boyfriend and that you owe him an apology, you need to know him well enough to adapt the apology to their needs. “Some people like big gestures, but sometimes it ‘s enough to just say,’ ‘I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings and I’ll make sure I do not do it again,'” says Ostrander, a couples counselor.
Tools that will help you
- 36 questions developed by psychologist Arthur Aaron to intensify love and deep knowledge of the other
It is a set of questions developed by psychologist Arthur Aaron and colleagues through a series of studies that have been found to be effective in creating and strengthening feelings of intimacy. The idea of these questions is based on “being open to the other”, that is, being able to express yourself, your weakness, your fears, your hopes and your aspirations in front of your partner without being ashamed. You and your husband ask two questions a day and try to be okay, as the questions are ranked according to the degree of discovery, and try to give yourself as much time as possible to answer and clarify each answer with the most many questions. such as: Why? and how? Since when?
The app takes on small tasks, like sending thank-you notes to your partner at a certain time of the day, and big tasks like showing you how to start a normal conversation or find something great. The application is based on more than 300 studies on marriage, the vast majority of which are by four leading relationship psychologists, and was founded on the approach of Dr. John and Julie Guttman is the most used therapy for couples, giving priority to bonding as a way to strengthen the relationship, to some extent in the question “Are you there for me?” The app combines audio tracks with articles on marriage psychology and health, and then translates them into exercises.
- Book Seven Conflicts
The book “Seven Conflicts” penetrates the thorny layer of marital problems, aiming to educate spouses about the mechanism and nature of their differences to address them in a way that strengthens their relationship and marriage. The authors do not offer solutions as much as they try to guide the reader to improve the way he responds to the problem and handles it. Chapters on the Seven Conflicts end with a list where you can evaluate yourself and answer some questions about what was raised (No translation yet).
In this clip, the writer “Vanessa Van Edwards” talks about marital disputes and that they are not related to the problem itself, but also to the lack of communication, continuing to list facts about them supported by numbers.